Feel it again
by give-me-tvd
Summary: "That's why I didn't say goodbye when I left." He said. "I knew that you wouldn't let me go." POST after season 5.


Stefan didn't leave from nothing. It's true that he made his decision and packed in minutes. But, it was for reasons. The idea of leaving hunted him for days

; he was tired of fighting but he didn't think of giving up, until he killed that witch, an innocent girl who did nothing wrong for him. Her fault was that she was another name in the list of witches that didn't help him to get his brother back.

So when Caroline woke up in dawn to find his bed empty, she didn't get surprised for him leaving but for him letting her down. She knew for the last few days that he thought of leaving. But she didn't imagine him leaving without telling her. And she swallowed those feeling as she wiped her tears away.

Four months had gone, and there was nothing new at all. Everyone was busy at moving on. Well, except for Elena; she was spending most of the time by her own, choosing to keep her moves secret. And somehow Caroline didn't really want to know what she was doing.

It was sunset, and Caroline found herself at the woods, that place where she and Stefan spent most of their times. She always found him here; it was the place he went to after hitting another dead end.

So Caroline sat down and closed her eyes, she took a deep breath and tried to imagine him there. She almost felt him, rubbing her hands. Whispering to her, "It will be fine."

In the real life, she was the one who always comforts him, always the one who held his hands and promised him it will be fine. It never bothered her. But she can't deny it, sometimes she wished if he did the same for her, just once.

A little smile played on her lips; she was drowning in her fancies. Her nerves relaxed and she felt so peace. Sadly that peace doesn't last as her head pounded; she heard some chanting coming from behind. But she fainted before she could turn around.

Caroline opened her eyes slowly, feeling dizzy. She tried to move her hands but she found them tied with handcuffs, her legs tied by ropes full of vervain. She tried to move. But, she whined as her hands got hurt.

She saw someone moving towards her, she couldn't see him clearly as her head was still spinning.

"Who are you?" she asked in a whisper as her eyes were barley open.

"It doesn't matter." He said as he lean down.

"What do you want from me?" she said in anger, thou she wasn't that strong.

"My work isn't with you; as soon as I get what I want, I'll let you go." He said as he got up and looked down at her.

She looked around her and the vision got a little clearer. She was on some basement. It was a wine Cellar.

She suddenly looked back at him when he lit some candles far away from him.

"You're a witch?" she almost shouted from surprise.

"Yes, I'm." he said and walked towards her, "So was my girlfriend. Sadly she's not anymore because your boyfriend killed her." His face turned furious and the candles lit brighter a little.

She looked at the fire getting higher as he got angrier and then back at him. She threw her head back as she got confused, "My boyfrie- who are you talking about?" she asked.

"I'm talking about Stefan Salvatore." He said. She opened her mouth to talk but the words didn't get out as she got more confused.

She furrowed and then he told her more to erase the confusion, But more because he was angry.

"Her name was Jane, blue eyes, black hair." He paused for a moment. "You probably don't remember her. But, she had the most beautiful smile in the world… I told her to stay out of it. But she wanted to help you, and then your boyfriend killed her." He said in anger, his hands turning to fist.

"Jane was your girlfriend?" she asked, her voice getting back to normal as she was getting her strength back.

"Yes, she was. And I will take my revenge. I won't let him get away with it." He said and turned away, walking to the stairs.

"He's not here, you know." She almost shouted as the panic started to show on her face.

"I know. But, he will come… soon." He said without turning around.

"You don't understand." She shook her head, "He doesn't even answer my calls, he never does." She almost scoffed.

"I'm sure when he knows that his girl is in danger, he will." He said with a sneaky smile and looked back at her.

"Well, you got the wrong girl." She said calmly with a faint smile as she was still in pain. "I'm not Elena; I'm Caroline… which means you got the wrong girl." Her smile got a little bigger; feeling victories.

He walked towards her slowly, "I got the write girl; Jane told me about you and how you were good for him." He furrowed, "I know that you're Caroline." He said.

Caroline shook her head in confusion, "well, you should know that Stefan doesn't even care about me." There was a little laugh that escaped her lips at the last part.

"I'm not that big deal that he will come back. He won't come back." She shook her head slowly.

She didn't really believe her words; part of her knew that Stefan cared about her. It's true that he left without saying goodbye. But, she was his friend, right?

She also knew that Stefan wouldn't let anyone get hurt because of him, even if it was someone he didn't know. But all these words she said, she was preparing herself, getting ready for the worst.

She was afraid that he wouldn't come, so she was trying not to expect a lot.

"He won't come back, not for me." She said at last before he injected her with another syringe, "Enough talking." He said.

She fell asleep slowly as she still whispering, "He won't come… He won't come."

When she woke up, he was sitting on a chair in front of her, her phone hanging from his fingers.

"You're up. Good; we're waiting an important phone call." He said.

"He won't answer, and he won't come." She said in anger, while she felt the vervain in her system, hurting her as she talked or moved.

Suddenly the phone rang in his hands and a wide smile showed on his lips, "You probably should take that back." he said as he got up and answered the call.

"I see you got my message. So you do listen to her voice males." He said and Caroline managed to open her eyes wide.

"Where is she?" Stefan said, his voice hard.

Caroline felt a shiver in her body as she heard his voice; it's been four months and this is the first time she heard his voice. She couldn't help it but to let a little smile get on her lips, a shaking smile. But still smile.

"She is here." He said simply. "You know, she said you won't come. But, she also said you won't answer, and here we are."

Caroline looked down as they fell in silence for a moment. Now that Stefan knew she didn't expect him to come, she didn't know what to say or expect.

"Let her go." Stefan said finally, "this is between me and you."

"Well, unfortunately it's not your choice. My game, my rules. If you don't want her to die because of you, then you'll be here before the dawn." He said and Caroline talked quickly.

"No, Stefan. He'll kill…" she stopped suddenly and screamed as he shot her with wooden bullet.

"Stop, stop, don't hurt her." Stefan shouts in the phone, "I'll come."

It was the last thing Caroline heard before her eyes went closed and she fainted one more time.

When she woke up, she felt dizzier than the last time. The place was darker than it was. Her eyes were barely open.

She heard footsteps coming down the stairs. She could see someone walking towards her, slowly at first, and then hurrying up.

The vision was blurring, she could see someone in blue jeans and gray shirt. But his face was completely blurred.

He lean down and paused at his place, looking at her, tied and in pain.

Only when he was right in front of her she saw him clear. It was him, Stefan.

She breathed heavily and furrowed her eyebrows, "Am I hallucinating?" she asked, her voice is barely above a whisper as every nerve in her hurts.

"No, you're not." He said and shook his head. "I'm getting you out of here." He said and found his way to the ropes around her leg, only to be stopped as he felt his head pounding.

He put his hands up to his head and wined, leaning back away from Caroline.

"Leaving the party so early?" the guy said with his hands pointed at Stefan, doing whatever that spell was.

He walked towards him and shot him with more than enough wooden bullets, all full of vervain, rolling him away from Caroline. His face turned mad and furious.

"Stop." Caroline shouted with horror in her eyes.

The guy looked at her instantly for a second then back to Stefan.

"So, I suppose you know who am I and why am I doing this." The guy said as he lean down at Stefan, "Any last word?"

"I'm sorry." Stefan said in a whisper. Caroline looked down.

The guy raised his hand with the stake and just about to put it through his heart when Caroline shouted, "No, please, don't." she said as the tears fell down her face.

"Don't, he doesn't deserve that." She said through her tears.

"Oh yeah? Give me one reason not to kill him." The guy said angry then looked down at Stefan, "Give me one reason not to kill you." He yelled at him and all what Stefan did was closing his eyes with guilt.

"Because you'll be hurting me, not him." Caroline said from behind, taking a shaken breath in. both of them looked at her and she did her best to focus on this guy and avoid any eye contact with Stefan.

She swallowed tightly, now that they're both looking at her, waiting for the rest.

"When you kill someone, you don't hurt him." She said in a whisper; her physical pain is back to be felt.

"They just… die, and they feel nothing. They don't even know what they're going to miss. But the people who love them, they are the people who feel the pain, the pain of losing them, of spending everyday and wondering how would it be if they were here." She inhaled calmly.

"Killing Jane didn't hurt her, it hurt you. And by killing him you will do the same… to me." She pursed her lips as she finished.

"So what am I suppose to do? Forgive him? He killed the only person I love." The guy yelled, tears falling down his face. And Stefan, well, Stefan was staring at Caroline. She could see him from the corner of her eye.

"I know that you hate him, and I know that you think he doesn't deserve another chance. But, we all do. He killed her because he wanted his brother, and you're gonna kill him because you want your girlfriend. It will never end." She shook her head, getting a little stronger or maybe talking about it all made her forget the real pain.

"If you really felt the pain, you won't put anyone through it." She said.

The guy looked at Stefan then back to Caroline. He stood up and walked towards her, "Fair enough. Then maybe if I killed you he would feel the pain." He said, "He killed my girl, I'll kill his."

"What? No, no." Stefan said, trying to stand up. But his head felt so heavy that he couldn't move.

Caroline didn't move actually, she just looked at the guy in front of her with no reaction, hearing Stefan screaming no.

"Don't, she didn't do anything." Stefan said, his face scribbled with panic and pain, "Just let her out of it." He said, trying to make him look at him. He was afraid of any move that guy might do.

"Fair enough." Caroline said, then looked at Stefan, lying at the ground, can't move. A little smile played on her lips. It was her goodbye, her "it's okay, it won't hurt"

She looked back at the guy, she didn't close her eyes, she didn't furrow or frown, she just kept that smile on her lips, because if there was anything Caroline Forbes didn't want, is for her last memory in her friend's mind as a terrified girl.

The guy neared the stake to her heart and Stefan was screaming more and more.

"She had blue eyes." The guy said, looking instantly at Caroline's eyes, beautiful, teary and blue eyes.

"I'm sorry." Caroline said as she nodded her head slowly; she did feel bad for him, yes she understood Stefan and knew that it was a moment of weakness But looking at that guy, wanting to help, to bring his girlfriend back and not being able to do anything. Caroline just hated how weak she was.

He dropped the stake down, and let the tears full down too. He untied her hands and legs while sobbing hopelessly. He kept saying "I'm sorry." In a whisper as he untied her while Caroline just nodded to him, she was helping him to untie her as his hands were shaking and the tears falling.

He stood up weakly and looked down at Stefan, "You don't deserve someone like her to love you." He said and walked up the stairs.

Caroline got that bullet out of her, gritting her teeth from the pain. She couldn't stand on her feet, she felt like it was all a dream. She managed to get closer to him on the ground, ignoring his gaze as she knew he was staring at her.

She took a breath as she sat next to him and started to get the bullets out of him, ever so gently.

He watched her, gritting her teeth as the vervain burned her while getting the bullets out of his stomach, her lips pursed together and the tears falling so free.

He gritted his teeth from the pain and she closed her eyes in between as she felt his blood through her fingers. Her hands were cold and shaken he could feel them. But his eyes never left her face, he wanted her to talk, to yell or scream. He wanted her to slap him for the last four months. He wanted her to at least cry freely without holding her sobs that exploded in her chest.

As she got all the bullets out and made sure he was healing, she pulled her hands slowly to her lap.

"You gave up." He said and she looked at him, "you'd let him kill you."

She looked away and took a deep breath, not planning to reply because she really didn't know how did that happen. The worst part wasn't that she would let him kill her, the worst part that there was a part of her that wanted him to kill her, wanted to just die and lose the pain.

"You thought that I wouldn't come." He said and his brows furrowed as the realization hit him.

She looked away and bit her lower lip before she spoke, "You didn't say goodbye… If I meant anything to you, you'd at least say goodbye."

He titled his head as the idea that she thought that she meant nothing for him was almost ridiculous. It because she meant a lot to him that he couldn't say goodbye. It was easy to look at Elena and tell her that he was leaving. But Caroline, God he knew he wouldn't make it with these eyes looking at him. She's been always looking up for him. He didn't want to disappoint her thou it was exactly what he did in the end.

He tried to get up and sit moderately. She helped him to sit easily, her hands on his arm. Just when he sat normally he held her hand in his own. She looked down at their hands and swallowed tightly.

"Caroline, I need you to know this. Right now, I'm not myself; the person who I used to be had changed. But I never wanted to hurt you, that is why I couldn't tell you that I was leaving." He said it all quickly, like he was trying to make it clear; it's not something to doubt.

"Because it didn't hurt when you left for months?" it came out as a whisper.

"I'm sorry." He said after a moment, "I didn't mean to hurt you, Caroline. But I can't stay here." He said, looking at their hands too.

She raised her head and looked at him. "What?" she asked and he didn't answer; he kept looking at her hand in his.

"You're not leaving again, are you?" she asked, her voice getting louder, and yet he didn't look up at her.

She pulled her hand from his and stood up, weakly but quickly. So did him.

"No, Stefan. You can't just leave again. Not now that you're back." She said, her face furious.

"Caroline, you need to unde-" he said to be interrupted by her, "No Stefan, don't you dare. Don't you dare say goodbye." She said, trying to be strong and hide the tears that have been already blurring her eyes.

"That's why I didn't say goodbye when I left." He said licking his lips. "I knew that you wouldn't let me go."

"Fine, you're right. I wouldn't let you go then and I won't let you go now." She shouted, she couldn't hide it anymore. She couldn't pretend to expect nothing from him.

"Caroline, this is what I want." He shouted back.

"What about what I want? What about what I need?" she shouted at him through her tears, her voice cracking after crying for the last hours.

"I've changed, Caroline. Things that used to matter simply don't anymore." He said, his voice even with hers, angry. He was letting it go, all the things that suffocate him for months.

"so what? You want me just to accept the fact that you had changed?" she said, "that you became that person that only cares for himself? You want me to let you go just like that?"

"Yes." He shouted then stood quietly when he noticed how disappointed she was. She looked like someone just stabbed her.

"Fine." She said finally, forcing her face to look careless about it. "Go. Be the person you wanna be. I won't stand in your way." She shrugged as she paused.

"fine." He said. Then they gazed at each other instantly, her face got back to real, looking wrecked and disappointed. And he swallowed tightly and started to shift his gaze and turn away, then she ran to him and hugged him tightly.

He wasn't ready for it that he almost lost his balance, even when he got it back; he didn't response for a moment. His arms hung in the air before he hugged her back.

He felt her tears on his neck, he heard her sobs that she tried to make them silent, he felt her hands shaking while holding him so tight. He tried to feel nothing, and avoid her clinging to him. But instead he wanted to stay with her, everything seemed worth fighting for her, it did. But he couldn't fight anymore.

She pulled away slowly, not looking at him. Her hand wiped her tears as she got a step back, giving him the chance to leave. Right then he wanted to take a step closer and kiss her forehead, and whisper "I'm sorry." But instead, he just vanished in a second, leaving her just like nothing happened, like he didn't appear.

Stefan was selfish, he knew. He didn't have the strength to fight, even for the ones he loved. He needed some time to live only for himself. But the only thing that scared him that maybe when he's ready to get back, Caroline wouldn't be waiting for him. But even that wasn't enough to make him fight.


End file.
